Miss Austen, Drawing Room Settee Critic™ Presents

Guess What’s Coming to Dinner:

Starbuck arrives back at the fleet with a Basestar. You know funny shall ensue.

Papadama: Starbuck! You’ve returned! Did you find Earth?

Starbuck: Nope. I found a Basestar though.

PA: You dumb shit, we find Basestars all the time. The mission was to find Earth.

SB: The Cylons are going to help us find Earth.

PA: Oh, that’s great. Why didn’t I think of that before? *rolls eyes* I mean, after blowing the shit out of every planet we inhabited, of course we should trust them to help us find Earth.

SB: Their #3 model is going to show us the Final Five Cylons who know the way to Earth.

Tory/Chief/Tigh: Sa-what?

Anders: [whispers] I’ll tell you about it at the next Cylon Anonymous Self-Help Meeting.

Tory/Chief/Tigh: *nod their heads and wink*

PA: So, no Earth then?

SB: But I brought you back a Basestar!

PA: That’s blown to shit, gee thanks. *looks around* Chief? What are you doing up here?

Private Pyle: Sir, I thought the Corps would make me a man, sir!

PA: *looking confused* What the frak is wrong with you man? You go to the same hairdresser as the President?

PP: Sir, yes, sir!

PA: *shakes head*

SB: We need to follow the Cylons and go upload Xena.

PA: Warrior Princess? Bitching. I’m up for that. I mean, so far this season I’ve been a background character. Let’s go get Xena. And let’s invite the Cylons you’ve found on board, have a little shindig, drink some Ambrosia; it’ll be a festival.

Tory: Squee! A festival!

Tigh: Shut up. Frakking idiot.

Tory: Bite me Cyclops.

Tigh: Isn't that Baltar's job?

Tory: *angry glare*

Private Pyle: This is my rifle, this is my gun!

Papadama: Pyle! Get the frak out of here.

Private Pyle: Sir, yes, sir! *leaves*

Next chapter:

On the Basestar:

Fletcher Christian Six: We should get some hostages to ensure that the humans give us the Final Five.

Random Boomer: That's a good idea. Right?

Leoben: Are you just stuck in one gear? Another mutiny? This storyline is stupid. *gets up and leaves*

FC6: Ok. I'll go to Galactica and stall them. *goes to Galactica*

On Galactica:

Gaeta: *singing*

Random Patients: Is he ever going to stop.

Doc Cottle: He lost a leg, give the man a break.

Gaeta: I swear to the gods if I am the final Cylon, everyone is toast. The Toaster shall Toast you all! *laughs manically*

Lee walks to the President who is also in the infirmary.

Presidentrix: Lee, you have no idea how stressful it is holding the lives of thousands in your hand.

Apollo: Um, what? Remember me being CAG? How about the Commander of the Pegasus? Blowing up the Olympic Carrier? Does anyone else remember the first two seasons besides me?

Presidentrix: *angry I-want-to-sex-you-up glare*

Apollo: *returns angry I-want-to-sex-you-up glare* *storms off*

Starbuck enters.

Presidentrix: What the hell do you want?

Starbuck: I've decided that all of a sudden I forgive you for trying to shoot me at point blank range and think we should all just hang out at the Basestar that I captured.

Presidentrix: Sounds good. Let’s take Baltar with us.

President, Baltar, Starbuck, and every Viper and Viper Pilot in the fleet get on the Basestar.

Meanwhile, Back on Galactica:

Athena: Oh wow, my baby is drawing the number six over and over. She's brilliant.

Hera: *wanders away because babies do that if you leave the door to your bunk open*

Athena: Oh crap! Lost my kid. *runs after her and finds her with Fletcher Christian Six*

Fletcher Christian Six: Oh look, Hera. Isn't there a storyline about her somewhere around here?

Athena: Get your hands off my child you damn dirty ape! I mean Toaster!

FC6: Dude, you are a toaster, too.

Athena: Private Pyle! Fetch my child.

Private Pyle: Sir, yes, sir! *fetches Hera*

Athena: *shoots FC6* *shoots her again to be sure*

Tigh: Well, that was different.

Athena: Oh hell, wrong Six. They all look alike to me. *shrugs shoulders*

Back on the Basestar:

Presidentrix: Let's talk to the Hybrid

Hybrid: *gets plugged back in* Jump! Suckers!

Basestar Jumps away.

On Galactica:

Random Ensign: The Basestar just jumped away, taking the President and all of our pilots. And all of our vipers.

Papadama: Well shit.

The End

Thank you for your time

Faux Miss Austen